Friday, October 7, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
It’s my story. Not yours. Mine. All mine. & Chemo Day 6
(Reposted from http://breastcancer.lohudblogs.com/2011/10/04/its-my-story-not-yours-mine-all-mine/)
I've always been a very open person. I don't know if it's because I'm a latent exhibitionist, a single child that demands to be the center of attention, or simply because if it's happening, and it's a part of who I am, there's no point in hiding it. That's why I had no qualms working with the Journal News on this project, writing this blog, being open about my cancer diagnosis and journey, etc. Sure, there are things that I won't reveal publicly - ever. I won't admit to my actual jean size. I won't admit to my exact weight. It will be a cold day in hell when I publicly admit to my real age in newsprint. And I'll never reveal my true secret crush from grade school. (Ok. That was hardly a well-kept secret. Anyone who went to Bi-Cultural with me from 3rd grade until graduation knows the answer, including him.)
In today's video blog, I address a strange situation that arose yesterday. Linda Lombroso, the reporter who wrote the story, "Meet Rica Mendes," emailed me to tell me that a person called her, specifically stating that she wouldn't reveal her name, but that I should explain that "the reason I had the double mastectomy was because I was BRCA positive." Linda and I both remarked at how strange this was for a number of reasons.
First, I don't remember making my BRCA status a secret (though, it should be noted, it is, in fact, a very personal, private medical fact that, I'd imagine, most would not share as openly as I have). I honestly couldn't remember at the time if Linda chose to publish that fact in the story. I know we'd discussed it in the interviews and subsequent conversations. Secondly, how did this person know about my BRCA status? And the fact that my genetic test results was a factor in my surgical choice? Lastly, given the fact that there are only a few ways as to how this person could have known this information - by either being a personal friend or contact, by having followed my story/personal blog for sometime, etc - why would this person feel the need to go to the reporter who wrote the article instead of just dropping a line to me personally and pointing out that perhaps that wasn't clear? Why hide behind the anonymity of a nameless phone call to a third party asking that I state, for the record, that's why I had my double mastectomy?
Now, before anonymous gets defensive, please don't take this as an attack. First off, you're still anonymous - I have no idea who you are (though curiosity is killing this cat, and I've been running my Facebook friends, Twitter followers and blog readers through my head since the email trying to figure out who you are, control freak that I am). Secondly, I'm going to use this as part of a bigger point, so bear with me.
This raises a few issues, within the scope of dealing with cancer and beyond.
I have a lot of gay friends. My cousin is an openly gay activist. I went to Oberlin College. I don't say this to make myself seem cool. I say this because I've witnessed, or been a part of, the coming out process for many, many people over the years. From people who came out at birth to those who eeked out of the closet, and those whom I suspect are still in denial of their own identity after all these years, it's a difficult process to go through, with a tremendous amount of consideration taken, etc. It's not done on a whim. I've likened going public with cancer with coming out of the closet. (I don't mean to belittle coming out, but that I have a new understanding of the kind of debate one has with oneself about how to reveal what, when, etc.)
If there is one thing that I've learned from my brave gay friends about revealing something private publicly, it's that you let the person do it at their own pace. Even if you know the absolute truth, straight from the horse's mouth, you do not put it out there for them, or go to a third party requesting/demanding that the individual reveal more than they already have. There are several reasons for this.
As it happens, there are a number of reasons why my BRCA status wasn't revealed. First, well, you'll have to ask Linda as to why she didn't include it in the initial story. My only assumption is because she knew I'd be addressing it at some point. Second, it was because this blog, this project, is not to commemorate Rica Awareness Month. It's meant to be an exploration for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As much as I love the spotlight, even I know this isn't the Rica Horse & Pony Show. I know that my story is just that - my story. It's just one breast cancer fighter's story. It just happens it's the story of a woman who is willing to expose pretty much everything about that journey. But there are other more relevant tales to tell right now that I wanted to focus my posts on, for the moment. I didn't want the first batch of blogs to be all about me. (Well, ok, the only child in me would love nothing else, but the responsible adult knew that the editors that invited me to participate in this would likely frown upon that.)
So, not to worry - I'll tell my story. If you're really antsy and can't wait, you're invited, as always, to read up on my personal blog, which I've been keeping this whole time, at ricalivestrong.blogspot.com. If you want a preview on the BRCA status situation, read the original blog post where I discuss the genetic factors that played a part in my decision, "Welcome to Our Ool," that I'll be using later this month for the specifics.
But, as I've stated in so many of my posts already, my cancer journey, my treatment choices, my surgeries, my doctors and providers are just that - mine. While I may share tips, offer practical advice, share resources, suggest people and organizations to speak to, I will never state that my, personal choices are universal, the be all end all for everyone with breast cancer, etc. Our cancer diagnosis is like our fingerprints - while we all share the basics, they are still incredibly unique to every one of us, and every single one must be considered individually. Even when the test scores and results are identical, the path towards survivorship that we all choose cannot be empirically defined. What I find is "right" for me is just that - right for me. It may not be right for you. And that's ok. Consider this blog post as my universal disclaimer, if that makes you feel better. This breast cancer story is strictly my own. The views and opinions expressed on this web site are soley those of the original authors and other contributors. Thou shalt not assert any other breast cancer stories before me. No animals were harmed in the making of this film.
I don't want to be the Breast Cancer Poster Child for the Hudson Valley. I just want to be Rica's Breast Cancer Journey Poster Child. Again, maybe it's the diva in me, but I don't want my story to be your story. It's my own.
You have to find your own story in your own breast cancer experience.
I've always been a very open person. I don't know if it's because I'm a latent exhibitionist, a single child that demands to be the center of attention, or simply because if it's happening, and it's a part of who I am, there's no point in hiding it. That's why I had no qualms working with the Journal News on this project, writing this blog, being open about my cancer diagnosis and journey, etc. Sure, there are things that I won't reveal publicly - ever. I won't admit to my actual jean size. I won't admit to my exact weight. It will be a cold day in hell when I publicly admit to my real age in newsprint. And I'll never reveal my true secret crush from grade school. (Ok. That was hardly a well-kept secret. Anyone who went to Bi-Cultural with me from 3rd grade until graduation knows the answer, including him.)
In today's video blog, I address a strange situation that arose yesterday. Linda Lombroso, the reporter who wrote the story, "Meet Rica Mendes," emailed me to tell me that a person called her, specifically stating that she wouldn't reveal her name, but that I should explain that "the reason I had the double mastectomy was because I was BRCA positive." Linda and I both remarked at how strange this was for a number of reasons.
First, I don't remember making my BRCA status a secret (though, it should be noted, it is, in fact, a very personal, private medical fact that, I'd imagine, most would not share as openly as I have). I honestly couldn't remember at the time if Linda chose to publish that fact in the story. I know we'd discussed it in the interviews and subsequent conversations. Secondly, how did this person know about my BRCA status? And the fact that my genetic test results was a factor in my surgical choice? Lastly, given the fact that there are only a few ways as to how this person could have known this information - by either being a personal friend or contact, by having followed my story/personal blog for sometime, etc - why would this person feel the need to go to the reporter who wrote the article instead of just dropping a line to me personally and pointing out that perhaps that wasn't clear? Why hide behind the anonymity of a nameless phone call to a third party asking that I state, for the record, that's why I had my double mastectomy?
Now, before anonymous gets defensive, please don't take this as an attack. First off, you're still anonymous - I have no idea who you are (though curiosity is killing this cat, and I've been running my Facebook friends, Twitter followers and blog readers through my head since the email trying to figure out who you are, control freak that I am). Secondly, I'm going to use this as part of a bigger point, so bear with me.
This raises a few issues, within the scope of dealing with cancer and beyond.
I have a lot of gay friends. My cousin is an openly gay activist. I went to Oberlin College. I don't say this to make myself seem cool. I say this because I've witnessed, or been a part of, the coming out process for many, many people over the years. From people who came out at birth to those who eeked out of the closet, and those whom I suspect are still in denial of their own identity after all these years, it's a difficult process to go through, with a tremendous amount of consideration taken, etc. It's not done on a whim. I've likened going public with cancer with coming out of the closet. (I don't mean to belittle coming out, but that I have a new understanding of the kind of debate one has with oneself about how to reveal what, when, etc.)
If there is one thing that I've learned from my brave gay friends about revealing something private publicly, it's that you let the person do it at their own pace. Even if you know the absolute truth, straight from the horse's mouth, you do not put it out there for them, or go to a third party requesting/demanding that the individual reveal more than they already have. There are several reasons for this.
- Sexuality, and medical status, are, by law, considered private information. There is no obligation to share this information. Therefore, if the individual chooses to share it, it's a big deal, and not something that you're entitled to know unless they choose to share it with you.
- You may very likely scare that person back "into the closet." If this person has chosen this time to go public with something that they aren't obliged to share, let them do it at their own pace. You don't know the reasons why they are choosing the method or timing with which they are employing.
- You betray their trust. Even if it was part of a semi-public conversation, it's not your information to share. It's theirs. And if you choose to be the authority on them, and take something that they chose to share with you and pass it onto someone else, they will not be able to trust you.
- In a longer-term project, like this one, you don't know if there is a bigger communication plan.
- It's simply not polite.
As it happens, there are a number of reasons why my BRCA status wasn't revealed. First, well, you'll have to ask Linda as to why she didn't include it in the initial story. My only assumption is because she knew I'd be addressing it at some point. Second, it was because this blog, this project, is not to commemorate Rica Awareness Month. It's meant to be an exploration for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As much as I love the spotlight, even I know this isn't the Rica Horse & Pony Show. I know that my story is just that - my story. It's just one breast cancer fighter's story. It just happens it's the story of a woman who is willing to expose pretty much everything about that journey. But there are other more relevant tales to tell right now that I wanted to focus my posts on, for the moment. I didn't want the first batch of blogs to be all about me. (Well, ok, the only child in me would love nothing else, but the responsible adult knew that the editors that invited me to participate in this would likely frown upon that.)
So, not to worry - I'll tell my story. If you're really antsy and can't wait, you're invited, as always, to read up on my personal blog, which I've been keeping this whole time, at ricalivestrong.blogspot.com. If you want a preview on the BRCA status situation, read the original blog post where I discuss the genetic factors that played a part in my decision, "Welcome to Our Ool," that I'll be using later this month for the specifics.
But, as I've stated in so many of my posts already, my cancer journey, my treatment choices, my surgeries, my doctors and providers are just that - mine. While I may share tips, offer practical advice, share resources, suggest people and organizations to speak to, I will never state that my, personal choices are universal, the be all end all for everyone with breast cancer, etc. Our cancer diagnosis is like our fingerprints - while we all share the basics, they are still incredibly unique to every one of us, and every single one must be considered individually. Even when the test scores and results are identical, the path towards survivorship that we all choose cannot be empirically defined. What I find is "right" for me is just that - right for me. It may not be right for you. And that's ok. Consider this blog post as my universal disclaimer, if that makes you feel better. This breast cancer story is strictly my own. The views and opinions expressed on this web site are soley those of the original authors and other contributors. Thou shalt not assert any other breast cancer stories before me. No animals were harmed in the making of this film.
I don't want to be the Breast Cancer Poster Child for the Hudson Valley. I just want to be Rica's Breast Cancer Journey Poster Child. Again, maybe it's the diva in me, but I don't want my story to be your story. It's my own.
You have to find your own story in your own breast cancer experience.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The difficulty with being told you're an "inspiration" or "so strong..."
Chemo Day 5
I know I'm a LIVESTRONG Leader, and that implies that I have found some strength in things. That I'm in a position to lead that is more unique than others.
Yes, I've always loved leading things, helping to run events and programs, I'll say it, being in the spotlight. But I'm most comfortable being in that position when I feel like I've earned it. Or that I deserve it. Do I love being in the spotlight because of a great performance? You bet. Do I like being acknowledged as a leader when I have achieved something great? Absolutely.
But here's the thing. I'm hardly an inspiration. I'm a stubborn control freak who is either too hard-headed or stupid to accept the fact that cancer can have some control over me. Is it divine strength or sheer blondeness that I "conquer" through this stuff?
And I'm fallible. I'm so fallible. I have a terrible temper. I can shriek and curse like a truck driver when pushed too far. I say things to my kids that I regret after the blood has cooled and I realize how terrible they were. I can be a tyrannical, screaming banshee in my house. Who knows what terrible things the neighbors think happen in my home? In fact, the poor things witnessed one of my rants as I reamed out a service-provider who was pretending that there wasn't work that had yet to be done and was trying to squirm out of acknowledging the fact he was paid to do things. And that was after a hissy fit because I didn't want anyone in my house.
I spend more hours than I'd like to admit crying, being bratty, and being mopey. I can kvetch, bitch and moan like nobody's business. It's practically an art form. When it comes to certain topics, I am most unforgiving and nasty (just ask my ex-husband and other former friends).
Yes, I say things aloud that, I think, a lot of people feel or wish or need to hear. But that's because I have no filter. That's not because I'm special. It's because I observe things and say them like they are. Yeah, I have a knack for being quippy and putting things in a funny way.
If being just like anyone else, but just more extroverted and willing to blurt things out that would make others shudder inspires you, so be it.
But understand it's not false-modesty when I say, "no, really, I'm not an inspiration, etc," it's genuinely that I just don't see it. I'm glad that things I say and do push others to do good things. I'm happy that LoHud.com has decided that my story, and manner of expression, are helping them spread the word and raise awareness. And, while I would not object to a statue or painting of my likeness (a much thinner version of my likeness that is), don't be offended if I ask or question praise.
I have skeletons in my closet just like everyone else. In fact, I have some pretty gnarly ones. Which is why I don't clean my house.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Chemo Days 3 & 4...
Chemo Day 3: Same as it ever was
Chemo Day 4: And it was evening...
Chemo Day 4: LIVESTRONG Day
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Best. Email. Ever.
Dear Rica,
Congratulations! You have hit the $10,000 fundraising mark, and we are thrilled to invite you to participate in the 2011 Ride for the Roses Weekend as a White Jersey member. We cannot thank you enough for all of your hard work and we look forward to celebrating your accomplishments.
This year’s Ride for the Roses Weekend will take place in conjunction with the Austin LIVESTRONG Challenge (Oct. 14-16). We’re looking forward to a wonderful event and we have many exciting activities planned to thank you for your efforts in the global fight against cancer.
As a White Jersey member, you are now eligible for the following Ride Weekend incentives:
Ride for the Roses Jacket
Ride for the Roses White Jersey
Bus transportation to all Weekend Events (to/from the Downtown Hyatt)
Friday Welcome Dinner (plus 1 guest)
Saturday 5K Entry (plus 1 guest)
Saturday Awards Dinner (plus 1 guest)
Sunday Ride Entry (plus 1 guest)
Sunday Hospitality Tent Entry (plus 1 guest)
Again, we send our sincere thanks for your support of LIVESTRONG and the global fight against cancer. We are excited to welcome you to Austin and to celebrate your remarkable fundraising accomplishments.
We’ll see you in October!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Psych!
This is what I think my docs were doing since the sonogram done on my right breast on Friday. This is how I picture them deciding whether or not to move forward with the chemo this morning, and how they decided who would call me.
As last night's blog explained, I was supposed to start chemo this morning. The only thing that might have interfered was if the slight redness of the right breast and the swelling was a sign of infection. So I had a sonogram done Friday, which showed no problems. My last conversation with Dr. Nordberg was that the sonogram looked good and it didn't appear to be an infection, but it would be Dr. Tepler's call. I called the doctor's office all day yesterday to confirm that chemo was starting this morning. I spoke to staff. Left messages, etc. Finally, I was told if I didn't hear back, to assume chemo was on. This was late in the afternoon. I was assured a call back from the doctor that evening. I'd already taken the morning steroids, and since I hadn't heard back from the doctor, I had to assume chemo was on as scheduled, and I took the evening steroids.
I spent a huge chunk of the night on the internet chatting with the (amazing) Jody Schoger, fellow LIVESTRONG Leader and sherpa extraordinaire, about the chemo. I spent the rest of the night fretting. I didn't get to sleep until 3:30 am. I got up at 6:15 am, as I was getting picked up at 7:15. I got my son out the door, and was just about to hop into the shower when I decided to check my Blackberry. I like to delete morning emails about weather and traffic as soon as they come in so that I know new email is much more important.
At that point, I see an email from Dr. Nordberg, my plastic surgeon. In short, he apologized but wanted to let me know chemo was being postponed. The email was stamped at 6:15 am.
I was livid. Why is my plastic surgeon telling me my chemotherpy session is cancelled? Why didn't my oncologist call me? Or email me? And why did no one tell me anything until after 6:00 am? My oncologist was supposed to call me back the afternoon before!
In a sense, as angry as I am, I'm more disappointed that simple, administrative issues are interfering and angering me with a practice in which I was very confident. The oncology office was, bar none, confidence building. I didn't have a flicker of worry about whether or not it was the write practice for me. But can you imagine if I hadn't gotten that email? The office staff still had me down for chemo! Had I shown up, they would have administered the chemo!
So I was 'roided up enough that I could have lifted Andre the Giant over my head, I was jittering and shaking all day, and my entire week has been thrown off.
I'd finally gotten to the point where I was as ready as I'd ever be, but, then the doctors completely missed the boat! And, even now, the oncology practice has yet to return my call and actually rescheduling my chemo!
As last night's blog explained, I was supposed to start chemo this morning. The only thing that might have interfered was if the slight redness of the right breast and the swelling was a sign of infection. So I had a sonogram done Friday, which showed no problems. My last conversation with Dr. Nordberg was that the sonogram looked good and it didn't appear to be an infection, but it would be Dr. Tepler's call. I called the doctor's office all day yesterday to confirm that chemo was starting this morning. I spoke to staff. Left messages, etc. Finally, I was told if I didn't hear back, to assume chemo was on. This was late in the afternoon. I was assured a call back from the doctor that evening. I'd already taken the morning steroids, and since I hadn't heard back from the doctor, I had to assume chemo was on as scheduled, and I took the evening steroids.
I spent a huge chunk of the night on the internet chatting with the (amazing) Jody Schoger, fellow LIVESTRONG Leader and sherpa extraordinaire, about the chemo. I spent the rest of the night fretting. I didn't get to sleep until 3:30 am. I got up at 6:15 am, as I was getting picked up at 7:15. I got my son out the door, and was just about to hop into the shower when I decided to check my Blackberry. I like to delete morning emails about weather and traffic as soon as they come in so that I know new email is much more important.
At that point, I see an email from Dr. Nordberg, my plastic surgeon. In short, he apologized but wanted to let me know chemo was being postponed. The email was stamped at 6:15 am.
I was livid. Why is my plastic surgeon telling me my chemotherpy session is cancelled? Why didn't my oncologist call me? Or email me? And why did no one tell me anything until after 6:00 am? My oncologist was supposed to call me back the afternoon before!
In a sense, as angry as I am, I'm more disappointed that simple, administrative issues are interfering and angering me with a practice in which I was very confident. The oncology office was, bar none, confidence building. I didn't have a flicker of worry about whether or not it was the write practice for me. But can you imagine if I hadn't gotten that email? The office staff still had me down for chemo! Had I shown up, they would have administered the chemo!
So I was 'roided up enough that I could have lifted Andre the Giant over my head, I was jittering and shaking all day, and my entire week has been thrown off.
I'd finally gotten to the point where I was as ready as I'd ever be, but, then the doctors completely missed the boat! And, even now, the oncology practice has yet to return my call and actually rescheduling my chemo!
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