Let them without sin cast the first stone...

Never, in my life, have I been ashamed of being Jewish. Nor have I ever been ashamed of loving the state of Israel – I proudly call myself a Zionist. In my lifetime, I have been faced with international issues with Jews & Israel – from Bernard Madoff to expansion of settlements into the Shtachim, from scandals involving corruption in Israeli government to terrible behavior by Jews in community leadership positions. Yet, still, my devotion to Judaism and Israel is unwaivering.

There have been leaders in my life that have met with challenges. I proudly voted for Bill Clinton, not once, but twice. So did the majority of the country. Were we all saddened and ashamed, personally, when the Monica Lewinsky scandal came to light? You betcha. But when foreign media attacked our President, we, communally, defended the office. We defended our President against critics, sometimes having to acknowledge personal wrong-doing, but reminding them not to throw the office under the bus, regardless of our personal views.

As a mother, I often take a non-traditional approach to apologies. I'm constantly telling my children that I would much rather they never say, "I'm sorry," if they don't mean it and they will repeat the wrong-doing. I don't want false apologies, I want to see that they are willing to change their ways. I want to see action speak louder than the "I'm sorry."

So, after watching both episodes of the Lance Armstrong interview on Oprah, here's my take:

• Lance messed up. He made some really lousy choices during his cycling career to feed ambition. However, it should really be noted that Lance was hardly the only one who made that poor choice. In fact, it was the minority that didn't make the bad decision not to take performance enhancing drugs/treatments.
• He's got an ego. Tell me something I didn't know. What celebrity, politician or athlete doesn't have an ego? I mean, to be a competitor at that level, you can have some humility, but you have to have enough of an ego to say to yourself, and everyone else, "I am so much better than everyone else that I can win."
• Lance has an Achilles Heel: Pride & being stubborn. Rather than admit to being wrong, in his younger (and perhaps more immature later) years, he'd rather deny his transgressions than confess that he did something wrong.
• Unlike all the other athletes that have admitted to, voluntarily or otherwise, Lance took his fame and fortune and did something remarkable with it for the good of humanity. He took on cancer survivorship with a vengeance like no other person has to date. He leveraged every opportunity to promote the need to raise awareness for prevention sake, to strip cancer fighters of any stigmas, and to inspire those battling the disease to live strong. This does not mean that the ends justified the means, but there is a good man and a good heart there, who had his ego bungle a lot of great things up for him.
•  Critics complain that Lance was not genuine in his apologies and it was all lip service. While I will hardly call him my BFF, I've had the opportunity to see him speak in person several times now, and I've had the chance to chat with him one-on-one. I think people were expecting a far more emotional tone in his voice or facial expression. That wasn't my take at all. He's a very matter of fact kind of guy. Yeah, he can laugh, get emotional, etc. But he was absolutely in his, "I'm not bullshitting about this," mode. He was dead serious. (And, FYI, that "I didn't call her fat" line, IMHO, wasn't meant a s a dig or anything. My guess is that he was trying to lighten the mood and it just came out all wrong. Something, I am guessing, we have all done when we try and insert some humor into something to break up an awkward moment.)
• He's finally allowed himself to be aware that:
• His doping cost him the rewards, victories and triumphs that he doped for in the first place.
• Denial was not the best idea.
• It may very well be too little, too late to recover trust and admiration as he'd had before.
• He betrayed fans and others by refusing to suffer the consequences earlier on when he might have been able to salvage his career, his position and his reputation much earlier. 
• He has suffered a terrible loss - his ties with LIVESTRONG - and he very clearly is devastated by that loss.
• He needs help. And he's getting it, with this admission a first step.
• He wants to be a good father.

My son refused to watch the interview. He dug his heels in and refused. I was so shocked, as typically, any mention of Lance in any media outlet has him obsessively riveted. Lance is one of Zach's heroes, without question. Without a doubt, the highlight of his life was meeting Lance in 2011 at his house and then riding with him and Team RadioShack during the LIVESTRONG Challenge. He wouldn't tell me why he wouldn't watch it, but angrily said he'll never watch it.

I finally got him to break down yesterday and tell me why he didn't want to see it. He said that Lance had let him down. He said that Lance was a liar and a no-good-cheat. He said he never wanted to see Lance Armstrong again.

I have to tell you, I was furious, and I lashed out at him. I can't recount the number of times my son has been caught red-handed breaking rules - some large, some small - at home, at school, etc. My son will go to the grave before he ever confesses, and it is short of waterboarding that will get him to finally admit his wrongdoing. So when he dared criticize Lance for coming clean, trying to start to make amends, on top of all the charity work and kindness he, personally, has shown me, our family, and my son, I lost it. In the past 3 years, Lance has done more positive things and been a far greater role model to my son than his own father. Lance screwed up big time. But he's now openly admitting to what he did and is paying the consequences. He's not lying anymore - he has no reason to cover anything up anymore.

I turned the tables on my son and I told him that I wished he could behave the way that Lance is now - admit to the wrongdoing, show remorse, get help, try and make amends, and make himself a better person - than to sit there and brew with anger, conceal mistakes and never admit to anything.

We continued to debate for almost an hour. I asked Zach how he would feel if, after losing everything, and then apologizing, people treated him the way that he was treating Lance. Finally, by the end of the conversation, both of our anger waned. Zach understood what I was trying to explain to him. He sees that what Lance did on Oprah should be seen as a real-life lesson on how not to handle getting caught doing something wrong in the sense that Lance waited too long to be able to make half the reparations he would have been given the opportunity to much earlier on. That admitting guilt as soon as your caught often means a punishment that pales in comparison to that which comes after trust is lost.

But, even then, Lance is still showing enough remorse that he's trying to apologize and put actions to those words.

Zach is going to watch the interview. And he, like many others, may become angry and sad and disappointed throughout.

But I'd like to think that my son, and many others, including you adults who read this blog, can be enlightened and mature enough to see that he may have done some pretty disappointing things in his past, but this is a man who did a hell of a lot of good, and that he's trying. Perhaps instead of trying to beat the man while he's doing, we should all let ourselves, and Lance, lick the wounds a bit, and when the time is right, be ready to support him when he needs us, just as he supported millions of cancer fighters when we needed him.

Am I disappointed? Sure. His dope-free story was amazing. But even with the doping, his story is still incredible.

And in some senses, I have even greater admiration for Lance than I did before the interview. In his own unique Lance-Armstrong-way, he is showing great humility, he's showing remorse, and he's trying, even when he knows it may be too late to recover, he's still trying.

Lance, Oprah & Heroes

I know one reader of this blog, who keeps insisting on posting as Anonymous, feels that I am a blond blind follower of Lance, feeling that he can do no wrong, and I will do nothing but defend him even when he's wrong. A lot of people choose to see everything in black and white and not in the realistic shades of grey the world we live in is portrayed.

For some of us, those lines are clearly delineated based on subject matter. I confess that there are certain topics where my feelings are purely black and white - which isn't always the most realistic way of looking at something. I am a very stubborn human being - when I dig my heels into something, I don't budge. But I do so with a tremendous amount of consideration - even stances that may come off as "knee jerk" are, in fact, not. You are not always privy to the man behind my curtain, though this blog should reveal he exists as I explore the behind-the-scenes workings of my thoughts and actions frequently.

So, for the record, I do not, have not, nor ever will defend Lance Armstrong blindly. I may do so vigorously, passionately, etc when the task is at hand, but never, ever blindly. I do not see heroes as infallible. And I do not know if I've ever seen Lance as a "hero" in the first place. A "hero" in my mind has a very specific connotation - a "hero" must be of the same cloth of the Greek gods, extraordinary in many, many means. To me, Yoni Netanyahu was a hero. Doña Gracia Mendes was a heroine. My grandparents on my mother's side were heroes. This doesn't mean that Lance can't be someone's hero, for their own reasons. But he was never mine. This also doesn't mean that Lance - the man and what he stands for to me - doesn't matter to me, either. He does tremendously.

(This is when one of my kids would interject by telling you all that I think he's cute and that's why he matters to me. While, admittedly, he's a good looking guy, in fact, that's not the reason why.)

There are many pundits, on both sides of the Lance Armstrong aisle, that have their theories as to why he's going on Oprah now. Some say it's a sly legal move because the statute of limitations is up and he can't be brought to task for perjury. Some say he's been licking his wounds since his failed Don Quixote-like fight against the USADA and had to regroup. Some say his ego is hurt that he's not in the headlines and is now making, yet another, tactical PR error. Well, I hate to break it to you, but unless you are Lance Armstrong himself, and even if you ARE Lance Armstrong, you may not know what is driving him to do this interview right now. Speculate all you want, but let's not forget, it's all speculation. And quite a good part of it is speculation by those who feel burned, or are taking this situation way too personally when they really don't have a right to do so.

The cycling world always seemed to be divided into Lance Lovers and Lance Haters. And the Haters are having a field day while the Lovers are questioning themselves, re-evaluating, and being put on the constant defensive where they, like many allege Lance has done in many cases, have had to stand their grounds just to save face because, after years of taking one stance, it's unbearable to admit they were wrong.

I'm just as interested out of sheer curiosity about the Oprah interview tomorrow evening. Would I love the answers? Yes. Because I become rather obsessive over unanswered questions. Do I need to watch the interview to determine whether or not my feelings about Lance will change? Absolutely not. In fact, I can assure you that they won't change. and here's why:

Because I could give a rat's ass whether or not he doped. I don't care who he bullied to keep quiet. And I don't care that the haters may have their day in the light. With very, very little exception, I gain no joy by anyone's downfall. But there are two things that I do care about when it comes to people who have made poor choices in the past: 1) Do they understand the severity of what they've done? Are they willing to bear the consequences (assuming the punishment fits the crime)? 2) What have they done to make amends? (Note: Not, "Have they publicly admitted to doing anything?")

Ideally, of course, those amends would be directly related to the transgression. An eye for an eye, yes? However, that's not the real world. And that's simple to presume when you speak of the simplest, least complicated situations. Lance is hardly in a simple position, no matter whether or not he is truly innocent or guilty! Public opinion has deemed that he's guilty. If he protests his guilt, he's talking to a wall. The judge and jury made their decisions and there isn't a damn thing the man could say to undo what has been done. If he admits guilt, truthful or not, then he's just a liar as "we all suspected." He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. So now, he has to deal with the least of all evils presented before him, as well as the damage this whole situation may have caused a movement he cares deeply about - cancer survivorship.

Only the most troll-like haters can say that he doesn't believe in the cause of LIVESTRONG with every thread of his being. You can fake sincerity to a degree, but the lengths that I have witnessed this man go to connect with people, share their plight and improve the lives of  cancer survivors around the globe is only matched with the likes of Doug Ulman, Chris Brewer and other professionals in the cancer non-profit world - maybe.

Is it possible that part of his drive to do good wasn't just out of survivor's guilt, the responsibility of the cured, but in fact a means of trying to wash his hands of the guilt of suppressing bad choices made in his cycling career? Well, unless you are Lance himself, or his psychotherapist, you will not know. Even if he says it on Oprah, you won't know. You may hear what you want to hear tomorrow, you may not.

Some have compared Lance to Madoff, saying that Madoff was considered a "hero." Hardly. The man has showed no remorse. He gleefully bankrupted hundreds, destroyed businesses, and caused family members to choose suicide over facing what took place. There is no comparison in that regard.

To me, however, actions speak volumes louder than words. I challenge each and every Lance Armstrong critic to spend one day performing the tasks that Lance has done on behalf of LIVESTRONG before opening their fat yaps about what a scumbag Lance is. For starters, try to do this: Remember every single cancer fighter with whom you've ever interacted, and, when you randomly run into them, make them not only feel like the most important person in the room, but remind them about details from your original meeting - details that are so unique that the cancer fighter doesn't even remember that accurately. In 5 minutes, say something so heartfelt and motivating that you encourage that fighter to strive even harder than they were before. Give that person, and their family, hope. Genuine hope - not in a cure, a drug, a medicine - but in themselves. And make them feel like a rock star because of the encounter - a feeling that should last their lifetime. Then, spend another 5 minutes looking into the eyes of someone terminal. Someone whose time to fight is dwindling down to hours and tell them that their choice to die the way that they chose is alright, too. Make them believe that they made no mistakes because they are handling the disease the way that they wanted do. Give them dignity, not pity. And make sure that the family has someplace to turn from which to derive strength when their loved one perishes.

Had Lance spent 1 week doing as I described above, in my opinion, he'd have made the amends necessary to balance the injustice. But the man has been doing this for 15 years. Around the world. For cancer fighters of all ages, sexes, races & creeds.

He did that for me. He did that for my children.

And, let's face it. We all have skeletons in our closets - some great, some small, and all of which could sink our careers, our public face, etc, should they leak out. Mistakes from college, adolescence, in business dealings, relationships, financials - you name it, we all have one. And, more often than not, it's one that we've publicly denied - either when filling out applications to being asked directly at a party or someplace more formal. We've denied them one way or another, adamantly.

Think about your most shameful mistake in your life, which you may or may not have denied publicly, and imagine it brought to light, to all your co-workers, loved ones, family & friends, and in your face constantly.

What would you do? Note: I'm not asking, "What would you like to imagine that you would do?" Nor am I asking, "What is the right thing to do?" I'm asking you, human being to human being, made up of many shades of grey, What would you really do?

Be honest with yourself.

And then cast the first stone at Lance Armstrong.

Is he a hero? Perhaps.

But he's a man who has accomplished an extreme amount of good, has influenced many more to hope and strive for a better future one way or another, and, whether for good or for bad, has the ability to remember damn near every person he has ever met.

Not many of us can say any of those things. So, until we can, maybe we should silently watch what unfolds, withhold judgement, and let the man make amends for whatever he needs to make amends in peace. And maybe, just maybe, we should offer him some slack, forgiveness even, if that's what he needs, to get back on his feet and continue to do good in a way that many of us only dream we could do in our lifetime.

Why do I support LIVESTRONG? For those of us in the fight

Today I was given the news that I'm still NED (No Evidence of Disease) by my doctor at my 12-month oncology check-up. Of course, it's a sigh of relief on my part.

But don't think that means my fight is over. You never know how long that status is going to last.

I could feel an ache in my abdomen, go to my doctor, get a scan, and learn that I've developed ovarian cancer, at which I'm at high risk. I could develop a cough and learn that the breast cancer has spread to my lungs. I could be declared, officially, cancer free at 5 years, and then, the next day, learn that my breast cancer has appeared in my brain.

So far, knock on wood, spit on the ground, spin around, etc., I'm one of the lucky ones. And I know that. My fight is experiencing a cease fire - but I know it can be temporary or permanent, and the choice isn't mine. I'll always be on the defense to an extent.

So will 28 million others in the world today.

The fact is that until there is a be all/end all cure, all of us who have been touched directly by cancer are in the fight. If we're lucky, we're only called into battle once, but some of us may be sent to the front lines over and over.

As I indicated this week, cancer has no concept of what's fair or what's not, despite our desperate hopes.

In that regard, I'm reminded that a yellow ribbon represents those of us that we love that are away from home fighting. In some sense, our LIVESTRONG yellow wristbands aren't that different - only they represent that part of us that, once a diagnosis is given of cancer, that is always in the fight.

We are all veterans as well as active duty in this battle. And, just like our military heroes, a yellow wristband on your wrist lets us know that we aren't forgotten, that you respect the fight in which we are entrenched, and to celebrate our bravery.

Every day, I sadly learn of friends, and at times, family, who are called to battle once more. In the past week, I learned that one dear friend, whom I consider a kindred spirit in this fight, was, at times, B.J. to my Hawkeye as we fought in tandem in the hell of our little breast cancer M*A*S*H unit. We were both hanging in the 4077th until I got the call from her that she was being called up to the 8063rd to active duty and I have to stay behind in the Swamp, with nothing left to do but to pray for her well-being and her family.

LIVESTRONG provides fighters like her, and her family, support and empowerment.

But to keep doing that, LIVESTRONG needs our support. I will fight, even from behind the front lines, on my bike, in Challenges, running events like Sunday's ROCK the RIDGE, etc.

Please consider making a donation today. HTTP://LAF.CONVIO.NET/GOTO/RICAROCKSAUSTIN2012

Why do I support LIVESTRONG? For my family

Today, I have a family member going through chemotherapy and another who is having surgery for cancer as we speak. Within one year of my own diagnosis and embarking on treatment, 2 family members were diagnosed and began their treatment. One survived cancer once before, and another didn't see this coming after years of diligent screenings.

This disease, or as Lance Armstrong pointed out in March at the LIVESTRONG Leader Summit, this collection of thousands of diseases with their own personalities, traits and Achilles' Heels, does not discriminate. It does not distinguish between fair and unfair. It doesn't appreciate irony or Murphy's Law. It has no concept nor care of how it can push an individual, or a family, beyond their breaking points. It's oblivious as to what a burden it is on us. It simply doesn't care.

But LIVESTRONG does.

While I cannot come out publicly, at this time, with specifics, I can tell you that in the past few days, as little was being asked of LIVESTRONG, the organization reacted and responded. Two days after letting a contact at LIVESTRONG know, a box was shipped to my family member with support material. A fellow LIVESTRONG Leader participated in a mud run with my family member on his back. I've gotten advice on this person's type of cancer already, how to help after today's surgery (as this surgery is very different from my own), and tips as to how to help this person deal with their upcoming radiation treatments, which I didn't have to endure. They are willing to reach out to other caregivers.

And, all the while, without intruding on my family member's situation, as they went within one week from out-of-the-blue diagnosis to surgery. I know, without question, they will be ready when this person is ready to speak with them, and I also know they are available to those immediately around this cancer fighter when they need help and support.

More so, LIVESTRONG is providing an outlet for the frustration that we feel - that cancer does not - at having our immediate network barraged by this infernal disease within a calendar year - my children and I will take our aggression out on the road at the LIVESTRONG Challenge in a month.

I hope my fellow family members fighting cancer can join me someday at the Challenge to see the masses of supporters they have and don't even realize right now.

Your donations do that. They really do. Your donations provide LIVESTRONG the ability to fund programs that can directly, locally, touch cancer fighters and their families, like mine. Supporting the organization allows them to provide a unique opportunity for cancer fighters to gather together and fight the only ways we are able to - on the road, with our own bodies, letting out our anger, frustration, and triumph, in a celebration. A donation today will continue to enable us to be a safety net not only for the cancer fighters themselves, but their support networks.

Please consider a donation today. Do it in honor of my family. In honor of yours. And in honor of the families around you that you'll never know are fighting, too.

Taking the bull**** by the horns...

Before anyone else asks, makes a snarky comment my way, etc, I'd like to first say before jumping to conclusions, please read Lance Armstrong's statement - not the summaries and editorials being published. Then, I'd suggest that you read the LIVESTRONG Blog Entry, including official statements.

I'll give you a few minutes to read that on your own. Here's some nice elevator music to bide the time.

Now that the interlude is over, and the prerequisite reading is complete, I'll continue.

• The man is the most tested athlete in the history of drug testing. He's passed the tests.
• Several of those on the USADA's public list of witnesses against Lance have lied, have doped, have a vested interest in testifying against Lance and have been threatened with similar actions. Not exactly an unbiased pool of witnesses.
• The arbitration Lance faced was not a court hearing, or anything even close to it. Look at how the USADA handles these arbitrations. There is no defense, as many suspect he would be entitled to present as he would in a criminal case.
• There is debate over whether or not the USADA even has the jurisdiction to execute the ban - how does the UCI factor into this?
• Note Lance's statement, "USADA cannot assert control of a professional international sport and attempt to strip my seven Tour de France titles." Attempt. That doesn't mean it's going to happen. If the USADA "says so," does the UCI have to "do so?" I don't know. Neither do you, at this point.
• All he's saying is that he's done fighting with the USADA. It's like fighting a brick wall. There's no point. It would be a waste of time and resources, etc. That's not an admission of guilt, it's an admission that it's an unjust situation, and that the fight is being set aside. That doesn't mean there isn't something else that can be done.
• He's a father of 5 young children. He's fighting a war against cancer. The man's schedule is insane (I know - I've been privy to some of the events and a view into some of his schedule - it's crazy.) To add on a huge no-win battle against a private entity acting like judge & jury with a predetermined verdict is stupid. So, he's focusing his energy elsewhere... for now.

This is not a man who rolls over easily. This is not a man who "gives up." I doubt this is the last we'll hear about this or from him.

But for now, this is his strategy.

Can you blame him?

So, I will do for Lance what he did for me and my children last year as I faced cancer - stand by him.