Chemo Day 5
I know I'm a LIVESTRONG Leader, and that implies that I have found some strength in things. That I'm in a position to lead that is more unique than others.
Yes, I've always loved leading things, helping to run events and programs, I'll say it, being in the spotlight. But I'm most comfortable being in that position when I feel like I've earned it. Or that I deserve it. Do I love being in the spotlight because of a great performance? You bet. Do I like being acknowledged as a leader when I have achieved something great? Absolutely.
But here's the thing. I'm hardly an inspiration. I'm a stubborn control freak who is either too hard-headed or stupid to accept the fact that cancer can have some control over me. Is it divine strength or sheer blondeness that I "conquer" through this stuff?
And I'm fallible. I'm so fallible. I have a terrible temper. I can shriek and curse like a truck driver when pushed too far. I say things to my kids that I regret after the blood has cooled and I realize how terrible they were. I can be a tyrannical, screaming banshee in my house. Who knows what terrible things the neighbors think happen in my home? In fact, the poor things witnessed one of my rants as I reamed out a service-provider who was pretending that there wasn't work that had yet to be done and was trying to squirm out of acknowledging the fact he was paid to do things. And that was after a hissy fit because I didn't want anyone in my house.
I spend more hours than I'd like to admit crying, being bratty, and being mopey. I can kvetch, bitch and moan like nobody's business. It's practically an art form. When it comes to certain topics, I am most unforgiving and nasty (just ask my ex-husband and other former friends).
Yes, I say things aloud that, I think, a lot of people feel or wish or need to hear. But that's because I have no filter. That's not because I'm special. It's because I observe things and say them like they are. Yeah, I have a knack for being quippy and putting things in a funny way.
If being just like anyone else, but just more extroverted and willing to blurt things out that would make others shudder inspires you, so be it.
But understand it's not false-modesty when I say, "no, really, I'm not an inspiration, etc," it's genuinely that I just don't see it. I'm glad that things I say and do push others to do good things. I'm happy that LoHud.com has decided that my story, and manner of expression, are helping them spread the word and raise awareness. And, while I would not object to a statue or painting of my likeness (a much thinner version of my likeness that is), don't be offended if I ask or question praise.
I have skeletons in my closet just like everyone else. In fact, I have some pretty gnarly ones. Which is why I don't clean my house.